Paralysed

What do I do? What do I say? Noise, noise, they speak and the music is so loud. I can’t hear a thing. They’re looking at me. What do I do? Wha-what wha-what wha-what wha- what wha-…

Damnit, do something, girl!

‘Hmm?What?’ lean closer to hear something.
‘I said…’ – whatever is it he’s saying? Focus, girl, you want to burn? Am I embarrassing myself? Looks, face, sounds, hands? Ohshit my mouth is open. Is his expression strange? Nod, girl. Well done. Close your mouth, lick your lips, put some light into your eyes. I mean focus in on his face! Somewhere around the eyes. Now nod again. Now look up – nonono, not with your head, just your eyes. You’re thinking now. Good, he thinks you’re paying attention again. So keep this pose and now for fuck’s sake play back what he said! Remember: mouth moved this or that way? What were the gestures? Catch the last word, it’s coming! – ‘own words!’

Alright, there were some gestures with his hand around the place – quick peak, nothing there. Then a frown, mouth rounded up, pointed to himself… Whatisit, quickly, girl, comeon! Ah, the music! The music is loud! Huh, nice one, good one, got it.
Oh fuck, I’m smiling when he’s complaining, he’ll think – no, girl, don’t go down that route! You know the rules, make that smile bigger, shrug and nod. Say yes.

‘Yeah. Smoke?’ Fuck, he doesn’t even smoke. Look around the table at the others, quickly! Say it again, now, they didn’t understand!
‘Someone for a cigarette?’
‘Yeah, I’ll come!’
‘Yep, me too.’
‘Ah, why not’

Ok, now they’re carrying on their earlier conversation. No chance there. What is it that they talk about? Doesn’t seem particularly interesting, though, nobody’s very passionate about it. Lots of shrugs and I don’t knows. No prob, out here I’m safe, I have a reason to be here even if I don’t speak, I’m smoking here after all. Maybe i’m just randomly here at the same time and since we know each other it would be awkward if we didn’t stand together. But do we really know each other? Do they think I should stand with them? That girl’s looking at me, like she knows I should go away, I’m not giving anything to them I should also speak and share what I think I mean I read about it if they talk to me or to a group including me or even if I’m just there when they talk and I look at them and then I don’t talk back then it’s like I’m spying on them and they won’t like me ’cause an eye for an eye and a tooth and I really need to share something, say something

Oh dammit, girl, shut the fuck up in there! Check outside. All silent. Say something. Wreck your brain for a story. They don’t need big, give them funny! Or give them cute! Remember, you’re the cute girl with the dog!

Ah, dog, OK, let’s see, the dog… Who did I talk to last time about a dog? What did I talk about to these people the last time? Tick tack tick tack. NO fucking idea. Alright, don’t panic, then a question. What did people ask you today in your smoke breaks? Weekendthatstheshit!

‘So what are you guys doing this weekend?’SMILE! ‘I’ve heard it’s gonna be extremely hot, like fourty celsius or something’ – good, now put that cigarette in your mouth, quickly. Good, turn your eyes away, don’t stare at them like that! Shit, girl, are you paralyzed or what?!
They’re answering, listen! Catch at least a word!
‘… a huge swimming pool, so we’re gonna go down there and won’t leave all weekend!’
Ok, that’s a huge smile, she’s watching you… … expectantly? Ah, right, need to laugh!

‘hahahaha, sounds like a plan!’ huge smile, great job, girl! ‘And who are you going with? Your boyfriend?’
‘Ah, no, we broke up.’
OK, good one, you know what to say to that.
‘Oh, I’m sorry! Want to talk about it?’ – please say no, please say no, please say no…
‘Meh, nothing big. Didn’t work out.’
‘I see’ – oh, how could I say that? How could I see when don’t know her at ell. I met her boyfriend, what, like once? Jesus, wrong answer….
Oh, come one Girl! No biggie, others also always say that and you know it. Better than her wanting to talk about it and you stuck listening to her bullshit all night.
Hmm, yeah, probably. Everybody smoked their cigarettes. They’re looking at me. Why? Oh, right, I’m standing in the doorway. Time to move and go inside.
Well, this one was fine, I think they think I belong. Need to keep this up. Should say something, get into the conversation. But my mind is so empty. Nothing in there worth saying.

 

 

 

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